once "teasingly" implied that I was only dating him due to my weakness for a$$holes, why else would I be interested in him? He was the sort of man who, when I was hospitalized, called my boss and offered to come in and cover my shifts, for free, just so I wouldn't lose my job.And then, at a certain point, I felt less inclined to treat my existence as some third-rate sociological experiment, and instead, started reflecting on the role I was playing in encouraging men, who because they despised themselves, were necessarily skeptical of any woman who liked them. I had my own all-womyn experience at Wellesley; I don't need Bedford Hills Correctional Facility to further my education.Like prey in the wild, we've learned to adapt to our surroundings and protect ourselves against the attack of assh*les, douchebags and playboys.We've learned to read the signs, mark the places to avoid and pick up on the traps that are carefully deployed and once so naively walked upon.So you’ve read his profile, and he seems like a great catch…but how can you be sure?I’m sure you’ve heard that in order to find love, you should throw out your “checklist” – you know, that laundry list of items in the back of your mind that describe your ideal man.If you’re at a restaurant, for example, and they’re taking a bit longer to get you your table, does he take it in stride, or does he start to lose his temper?

At the time, I was deeply impressed by what D.'s mother had done, her empathy for another woman..in hindsight, maybe not so much. But at a certain point, alas, the dark side of his personality won. Thus, the self-loathing douchebag emerged and broke hearts. I always think of this experience, when I meet women who tell me that they "love" a$$holes, or that all men are a$$holes, or that they're going to "have fun" sleeping with trashy boys, until they meet a good man.At a certain point, I understood that I can't control men..I can control myself. I had to learn from my mistakes, since the alternative was making them over and over and oh my god . I try to remind myself, as frequently as possible, that men are people too--good people, bad people, good people who frequently do bad things, bad people who occasionally do wonderful things, damaged people, cruel people, lonely people--and that if I want a loving, committed relationship, I have to be the change I want to see in my world.I understood that it's difficult to meet a good, loving partner, if I'm busy throwing myself at self-absorbed losers. The alternative was an angry, empty, despairing life. I'm just suggesting that in love and life, we, frequently, create what we believe we deserve.When it comes to dating and relationships, I often find myself wondering how certain people end up with others.Wondering why they don’t walk away if they don’t get what they deserve and hoping that they truly appreciate their teammate if they getting what they deserve.___________________________________________________________________ I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with women who tell me that there is no affection in their relationship.The man in their life does not make them feel loved, wanted, or appreciated.